That's Life In The Big City....

So I am again put in the crazy bitch role. I'm the uptight party pooper who can't chill. Roommate #3's fuck buddy (who has essentially muscled his way into living here and being here 24-7) has just arrived with his cousin, of course at the very moment i'm fully committed to asserting my needs through screaming at roommate #1 for not respecting my request to give me space. I've been promoting all day after giving up on my plans to go out, since roommate #3 and fuckbuddy decided to fuck in the bathroom for two and a half hours. By the time they came out it was too late and I would not have had time to get ready and get to where I was going in time to actually enjoy myself for any length of time.

So i decided to make the best of it by doing some promotional work and being productive for the rest of the night. Roomie #1 came in about half an hour ago while i was in the middle of finalizing some writing I was doing. He wanted to talk to me about something. I said i was working and he proceeded to sit down in front of me and stare at me uncomfortably close, which really pisses me off, because i was loosing my train of thought and the nice comfortable zone I was in was fading.  

I said it's going to be a minute for me to finish hoping i didn't loose sight of my thought. 

Too late. It was gone. I wrapped up my writing and opened the dialouge to discusss what appeared to be valuble and urgent information that he needed to convey. 

Now keep in mind, roomie #1 has been i on a bender for i'm not sure how long. He has been not here mostly for the past month, leaving me to run the ship and popped back up a few days ago.

At the begining of the month he started exhibiting signs of paranoid schizophrenia, had some sort of emotional breakdown, left, came back, packed up half his shit and disappeared for a few weeks. 

Then about a week or two ago, he randomly returned, urgently requesting a roomie meeting immediately. 

What it essentially boiled down to was he faked the episode to teach us a lesson. I was outraged due to the level of emotional burdens that were placed on me during this (fake) episode. I care about my roomates and was extremely worried about roomie #1's well being and mental health during his "episode." 

Having him tell me it was all bullshit was a huge slap in the face and i lost it. 

To go through all that emotional stress and worry on someones behalf, when they supposedly were just faking it feels like a huge betrayal. 

Stupid idiot that I am, tried my best to just overlook the horrible betrayal i felt to keep the peace in the one room apartment we live in with now four people total, plus roomie #3's fuck buddy and his cousin he brings around all the time. Way too many fucking people. But i decided to be chill, because i am chill, unless people are not respectimg my boundaries. 

So anyway, a few weeks go by and things are a bit strained and weird at times, but mostly okay. However, the same odd behavior that was the precursor to rommie #1's last psychotic episode started resurfacing recently. 

I also have noticed new odd behaviors that have become infuriatingly annoying to me. For example, the newest thing i started noticing was #1 ("roomie" will be omitted from this point forward) was mumbling a lot. Then i realised he wasnt talking to anyone in particular, he was fully having a conversation to himself of what seemed like all the random thoughts in his head. I thought perhaps he did'nt realize he was thinking out lo ud, so i'd shreak at him "YOURE MUMBLING" every so often when the mumbling was really getting on my nerves. After a while, these subtle annoying habbits become like nails on a chalk board. Im sure you know the feeling. Like when its 7 am and #1 kept us up till 5am the night before from being drunk and obnoxious. 

I don't know about you, but i find it an impossible task to be diplomatic when im worken up after two hours of sleep because #1 is loudly muttering and pacing back and forth in the (i'm guessing 150 square foot room i live in with four other people + 

So the muttering has gotten to the point where i want to jump out the window to escape it. It is an extremely loud yet unintelligible muttering. Have you ever thought someone was addressing you, gurned to them and asked "what did you say?" only to realize they were not addressing you at all, they were in actuality just being a crazy fucking asshole? Now multiply that by all day for THREE DAYS and tell me how you're feeling. 

I realized at a certain point that the muttering had increased to a constant stream of muttering that would escallate into yelling and anger to no one and everyone in particular. 

The only remedy for this would be for me to scream "CALM THE FUCK DOWN, YOU'RE MUTTERING AGAIN..." which would stop it for a while but would eventually gradually escallate into the impassioned angry muttering which would result in either #1 crying or punching at the air and knocking shit over. 

Yeah, so i started noticing the constant muttering was back again the other day. It's been relativly subtle so far, but my PTSD from the last episode has made me keenly aware of the slightest signs of episodic behavior. Which, im pretty sure is what PTSD is for.

Humans are keyed in to dangers learned from dangerous encouters. PTSD im pretty sure is human's instinctual behavior to make sure you are very aware of the subtle cues that lead up to the past trauma, so you are well prepared to avoid the same traumatic experience because to walk right into the exact same fucked up shit AGAIN might just make one give up on life altogether  pretty much. 

So it can be a way to fuck up all your relationships if PTSD causes you to irrationally freak out all the time over instinctual responses to triggers that do not actually represent danger. 

However in this case, it's fairly obvious that this PTSD is like "hey dumbass, remeber this? Remeber how that turned out? Take immediate action, asshole."

And i'm like "hey PTSD, i'm just going to blog about this experience as the shit unfolds, because I am trying to either be in denial and everything is fine, or this shit is so fucked up im gonna dive in head first and hope some schmcuk who has a ton of money to flush down the toilet finds this shit so interesting, this blog gets optioned for a movie/reality show. 

Im so down to exploit myself for money, as long as it's tasteful and won't make my mom cry. 

Anyway, more about the actual paranoid delusions exhibited and the pure evil genious that is #1, the actual crazy one somehow manages to make me look like the crazy bitch that's wound up too tight, when people unexpectedly stop by our apartment in the middle of a screaming match. 

So stay tuned kiddies, we haven't even fallen down the rabbit hole quite yet. 

Meanwhile, here's something to ponder:

According to science, a crazy person doesn't know they are crazy, correct? 

Now, hypothetically, imagine a person is clearly having a paranoid delusional episode. They dissapear for a week, then come back, seemingly more or less back to normal and explain to you that they had faked their paranoid delusions for whatever reason that makes sense to you. 

Now in trying to seek out a rational explination in all of this there are only two conclusions i am able to draw here. 

The first scenario is that the two day extreme paranoid delusions were indeed faked. This is a hard one to believe due to the amount of energy in would take to act that crazy tor two days. But i'm considering the possiblity anything is possible. 

If the paranoid episode was indeed faked, i think you would have to be kinda certifiable to pull off faking being crazy. 

The alternate scinario is that it was indeed a paranoid schitziphrenic episode and upon coming back to reality, the explination of the episode being faked was introduced to save face due to embarassment and fear of ridicule in the face of the aftermath of acting like a crazy person. 

Now in this scinario, my question is, if a person is legit crazy, then supposedly they arent self aware of reality enough to BE embarassed about being crazy. But if a person is dedicated enough to feel they must fake an episode of crazy for reasons that make absolutely no sense, isnt that crazy in itself?

To Be Continued...